Humans are probably not meant for lifelong monogamy.
Before you close this article in outrage, ask yourself just one question: Why do people fall in love with others time and time again, even though they love their partner? Perhaps that is precisely where the misunderstanding begins. And perhaps that is also precisely where the story of ‘friends with benefits’ begins.
Attraction, Infatuation, Sexuality, Fidelity, Responsibility – the Battle Within
Many people are in happy, monogamous relationships – and yet, at some point, they experience something unexpected: they meet someone, and suddenly it’s there. The attraction. Sometimes it’s fleeting. Sometimes it grows into infatuation or sexual desire. Attraction asks neither about our relationship status nor about wedding rings or morality. It’s simply there.
The real conflict therefore doesn’t begin between two people, but within ourselves. We long for security and freedom at the same time. Commitment and adventure. Both are part of who we are – and both aren’t always compatible. Many people try to suppress their feelings. But feelings do not disappear simply because we ignore them. At first, they simply want to be acknowledged. The crucial question is therefore not: How do I prevent attraction? But rather: What do I do with it?
Between a fantasy and an affair lie countless conscious decisions. Feelings and actions are not the same thing. We can desire someone without being unfaithful. This is precisely where our freedom lies – and our responsibility. Before we act, it may be worth asking just one question: Can I live with the consequences of my decision? For inner peace comes neither from suppressing every feeling nor from giving in to every feeling. It arises when our actions are in line with our own values.
And it is precisely at this point that a type of relationship emerges which has become increasingly popular in recent years: ‘friends with benefits’. At first glance, it seems to be the perfect solution: sex without commitment. Intimacy without a relationship. Freedom without responsibility.
But is that really the case? Or is it sometimes just another name for something we don’t want to admit to ourselves?
‘The only problem with marriage is that it lasts too long.’
– John Cleese
A typical John Cleese quip: ironic, exaggerated – and yet with an uncomfortable truth at its heart that one would rather overlook.
In fact, we often forget that many marriages in the past did not last a lifetime because love was infinite. They often simply ended sooner – because one of the partners died. Divorce was socially stigmatised, legally complicated or financially almost impossible. It was only when people began to live longer, women became more financially independent and divorce became easier that an uncomfortable truth emerged: Perhaps a lifelong partnership is more difficult than we have convinced ourselves for centuries. John Cleese went even further:
“Marriage should be like a dog licence – you’d have to renew it every five years.”
A joke? I’m not so sure, as it hits a sore spot. And every sore spot contains a grain of truth.
Friends with Benefits – The Seemingly Perfect Solution
It seems to be the ideal answer. To our existing relationship or marriage problems. Or if we’re in a monogamous relationship and just fancy some sex and intimacy. We’re attracted to each other, we get on well, we can talk for hours, and on top of that, the sex is great too. Wow, we complement each other almost perfectly! – or so we think. And then the cherry on the top: no commitments, no jealousy, no discussions about a future. So we agree on a deal: we’ll stay friends and have sex. Nothing more. At least in theory. Because this is where the real question arises: can people really keep sex and feelings separate in the long run?
The Big Lie
We often don’t tell the biggest lie to our partner. We tell it to ourselves.
Most people believe they have their feelings under control.
“I know exactly what I’m getting myself into.” “I don’t want anything serious.” “It’ll stay purely physical.” “We’re just letting off steam. It’s good for both of us.”
Perhaps that’s true. Or perhaps not. Because feelings rarely stick to agreements. They don’t sign a relationship contract. They don’t stick to agreements. And they don’t ask us if they’re allowed to fall in love.
Let’s take a very close look at the different types of relationship (this list is by no means exhaustive):
Type 1
Two people really do just want sex. It works. Until one of them meets someone else. Then the ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement often ends surprisingly amicably.
Type 2
One person falls in love. The other doesn’t. That’s when the suffering begins. Suddenly, every message is analysed, and then the ‘why’ questions start: When will he/she read my WhatsApp message? Why isn’t he/she replying? Why doesn’t she get in touch until the next day? Why was he online?
On the surface, the ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement remains the same. On the inside, it has long since become a relationship – though only for one of them.
Type 3
Both claim they don’t want a relationship. In reality, both are afraid of a relationship. ‘Friends with benefits’ becomes a shield against getting hurt.
Type 4: The Love Triangle
One of the two is already in a relationship or married. The other is single. At first, everything seems straightforward. They enjoy spending time together, the conversations, the sex. Both supposedly know what they’re getting themselves into. But feelings rarely stick to agreements.
Over time, the person in the existing relationship often begins to drift between two worlds. There is the security of a long-standing partnership. At the same time, a closeness to a new person develops. Perhaps even infatuation.
Suddenly, values clash. Loyalty. Responsibility. Honesty. Passion. Longing.
Anyone who doesn’t want to hurt anyone often finds themselves in an inner conflict. The longer this state of affairs persists, the greater the suffering often becomes – for everyone involved.
The third person can easily find themselves in a role they never consciously chose. Sometimes they become the hope for a fresh start. Sometimes a transitional partner. Sometimes they wait for months or years, hoping that the other person will eventually make up their mind.
But this is precisely where the danger lies.
Not every unhappy relationship comes to an end. Not every affair develops into a sustainable partnership. And even if someone does break up with their partner, there is no guarantee that the new relationship will last.
Sometimes, in the end, everyone loses something. Perhaps there are three relationships involved:
the relationship with Partner A,
the relationship with Partner B,
and the relationship with yourself.
For it is precisely this third relationship that is often overlooked in such situations. People ask themselves: ‘Who do I love?’ or ‘Who do I want to be with?’ Far less often do they ask themselves: ‘What sort of person do I want to be in this situation?’
Type 5: ‘Friends with Benefits’ as a Disguise
Sometimes ‘friends with benefits’ isn’t really ‘friends with benefits’ at all. At least not in the true sense of the term. The term sounds modern, uncomplicated and non-committal. It gives the impression that two adults have reached a conscious agreement. In reality, however, it can also serve to describe something differently from what it actually is.
A married or committed person begins a sexual relationship with a third person. At the same time, their existing relationship remains intact. This is often justified on the grounds that something is missing at home: intimacy, passion, understanding or sexuality.
The new relationship is meant to provide what is missing in the old one. This way, nothing needs to change. The marriage remains intact, the family stays together, and one’s own needs are still met. For some, this model works for years. For others, it becomes a life caught between two worlds.
It becomes particularly difficult when the third person believes that, at some point, the affair will turn into a real relationship. Perhaps it will. Perhaps it won’t. Many cling to this hope for longer than is good for them.
That is why it is worth asking an uncomfortable question:
Is it really a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement? Or is it an affair to which we’ve given a more pleasant name? Terms can alter our perception. However, they do not change the reality behind them. Not every ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement is an affair. But not every affair is honest enough to actually call itself an affair.
Conclusion
‘Friends with benefits’ isn’t the problem. The problem begins where honesty ends.
Any type of relationship can work. And any can fail. The difference rarely lies in the label, but in how honestly we live it out.
Above all, we humans like to tell stories. That we feel nothing. That we have everything under control. That it’s ‘just sex’. That we won’t hurt anyone. Or that the other person is bound to end their marriage at some point.
Sometimes these stories are true. Sometimes they’re just there to ease our conscience.
Perhaps that’s why every healthy relationship – whether monogamous, open or somewhere in between – begins precisely where these stories end, and honesty begins.
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