Whips, beatings, submission: BDSM sounds crass at first. People who are active in this scene risk being looked at askance or rejected. Yes, there are dangers and prejudices – but nevertheless a lot of people enjoy the world of power and dominance (read more in my book).
So, I asked a colleague at work the other day if she had read or seen Fifty Shades of Grey yet. No! That’s not my thing, she said, and then I had this thought…. Why was there such a hype about this film/book? Why is the book on the bestseller list and the film in the charts when no one has seen it or read the book? So off to the sex shop and lo and behold, whole display tables full of toys with Fifty Shades of Grey written on them and this text underneath.
Little by little, Christian takes control of Ana’s emotional world. As she gets to know him better, she learns that his sexual proclivities include bondage, dominance and sadism and….
That made me curious. What a world. What a thought. So, I thought it would be fun to sit down with a Dom to give you all an insight into dominance in a raw and unfiltered format. This interview gives us a different perspective on a person’s life in our so-called dark world….
A Dom, over 180 cm tall, with black, short hair. No piercing or tattoos anywhere on his body. A teetotal who goes to the gym 3-6 times a week. He studied law and lives at home with his cat, single. A rock and art lover who has been a Dom for more than 20 years. His name is: Dom Caregiver.
– How old are you? Are you married / separated / single?
I am 46, single and single, have never been married and will never marry, have no children, don’t want any.
– When and how did you discover that you were interested in BDSM?
I’ve always had it in me and even as a child I liked to tie up my playmates in cowboy and Indian games. Of course, I couldn’t place it then. When I was 19, I went to a gothic party and met people from the BDSM scene. They invited me to a BDSM party. I went, found out that there were a lot of like-minded people and that this was exactly my thing. Shortly afterwards I had my first sub.
– Were you already in love with your sub?
So far, I have never been in love with one of my subs. But I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that it could happen. So far it has just never happened. My sub knows, of course, that it’s just a session.
– Are your relationship and BDSM games separated or do you have everything with one partner?
Yes, I separate the sessions from my private life.
– Is there anyone around you who knows about your preference for BDSM?
Good friends of mine also know that I live out BDSM in the form of sessions.
– Is your dominance also part of your personality in other ways, e.g. in your working life or in friendships?
My dominance does not come into play in my working life or in friendships. I am for equality in all areas of everyday life.
– Could you ever imagine playing BDSM games in a relationship with your girlfriend or would you rather strictly separate the two worlds?
I am single by conviction and want to stay that way. As I only have casual play relationships, I make that clear to my sub beforehand.
– Being dominant, thanks to the misrepresentation in pop culture, is sometimes seen as abusive behaviour. Things like controlling what someone else wears, or insisting on being spoken to in a certain way. Can you elaborate on the actual differences and the importance of consent in a Dom/sub relationship?
I have no interest in sex whatsoever and I don’t have sex in the context of BDSM either. I derive my satisfaction from pure BDSM practices and I find things like dress codes and forms of address silly. That is “old school” BDSM. I practice modern BDSM: you call each other by their first names and the sub wears whatever she likes.
– What does SSC mean to you? Do you consider it a prerequisite before a BDSM session?
(In BDSM there are clear rules and the principle is: “safe, sane and consensual” ) (abbreviated SSC – see my book). In theory I am in favour of ssc, but in practice “sane” is all that matters to me.
– What should a woman look for when she wants to immerse herself in the BDSM world?
It depends on the role a woman wants to play in the BDSM world. It is certainly easier for a Dom than for a Sub.
– What makes a good Dominant?
In my opinion, a good Dom is a good judge of character.
– Do you have any special desires that you are into?
My preferences are Japanese bondage, spanking, bastinado and breath reduction.
– As a Dom you have a certain amount of control over your submissive partner. What kind of rules do you have or prefer?
I never give my sub any rules, so I can’t give you any.
– What are your hard limits and what were the hard limits of the subs you met?
Hard limits for me as well as for my subs are: everything that is too brutal and everything that is too unhygienic.
– How did you punish your sub for breaking the rules?
I don’t chastise for breaking the rules, but for no reason at all, out of pure pleasure in chastising.
– What does aftercare look like for you?
Aftercare consists of caresses and tenderness.
I know this post was a bit long, but I hope it adds value and perspective, and I am so grateful to Dom Caregiver for taking the time to answer my questions. If you have any questions you would like him to answer, please email me and we will get them answered.