Perception, effect and desire
We wish to communicate in a non-violent way, i.e.: to always react in a casual, calm and well-thought-out way. It is difficult to realise our wishful thinking and we often come up against our limits when we experience anger, fear or humiliation in a concrete situation, for example – or feel hurt.
Perception of the human being
With words we can cause injuries that sometimes take longer to heal than if we get physical. And we sometimes don’t notice when we change tone, “switch” body language. Our perception often differs from how those around us experience us.
If we harm ourselves or others, then we could also describe this as violent. When we want to impose our will without consideration for the other person, whether triggered by fear, anger or frustration, we harm ourselves and the other. Sometimes violent actions and words serve to retaliate, control or intimidate.
Reflecting the behaviour, mirroring in the relationship
Voices (a pattern of negative thoughts) or our thoughts tell us how we are feeling at the moment: “They are out to get you. Don’t trust them”, “They don’t take you seriously”, “You are so much better than them. How dare they talk to you like that!”.
The negative thoughts are often paired with negative feelings. Noticing them is a “must”: only through self-reflection can we say “Stop!” and offer support. Acting from the gut in such situations is destructive. The first reaction can be overridden by a second, better thought-out one. But to do this, we need to know what our first reaction is.
“Body and mind cannot be separated, neither can emotions be separated from rational thinking. Every experience in our lives is accompanied and linked by emotions, they are immediately “activated” when we find ourselves in a similar situation. Our emotion memory becomes awake and we react according to our gut feeling” (my book: chapter. 1.1)
(Want to read more on the topic: The Inner Voices Behind Violent Behaviour )
Changing behaviour takes time
Do we want to change our behaviour and react differently? If the answer is yes, the first step has been taken. We all know that change takes time. Sometimes we have more motivation to change, other times we have almost no motivation at all: this may not only be situational, but may also depend on the circumstances or stress we are under at the moment we are thinking about it. Our intentions and motivations fluctuate, never remain constant: this makes us human, vulnerable. What can help us are our experiences: What did we do in the past to overcome a difficult situation? What led us back then to change our behaviour in a certain situation? Every person is different and therefore needs very different “nudges” in one direction.
Taking the changes step by step is the way to go: a pattern of behaviour has developed over the years. It is not only illogical, but also unrealistic to expect that “tomorrow we will do everything differently”.
Dear readers, be patient with yourself 😊