All photos courtesy of Xena.

Her name is: Xena. If you met her on the street, you would never think she is a dominatrix. People who are out and about in this scene risk being looked at askance or shunned. Yes, there are dangers and prejudices – but still a lot of people find pleasure in the world of power and submission (read more in my book).

Xena is 167 cm tall, has long, beautiful eyelashes and wears discreet make-up. In her elegant beige suit with a casually elegant scarf, she looks like a businesswoman: not just a dominatrix, but a self-confident woman who knows what she wants in life.

In the classic dominatrix area on the road, she determines what she wears, what her sub may say or do: she allows closeness but no touching – only when it pleases her. She accepts gifts only if she allows him to do so..

To give a little background, how long have you been in this lifestyle? What first attracted you to D/S (dominatrix/sub)?

I have been a dominatrix for years and have had an interest in the BDSM world for a long time. I am also very dominant as a private person and I think, I am a born dominatrix. You have to have the dominance in you, otherwise it doesn’t work.

– When and how did you discover that you were interested in BDSM?

I was interested in everything that could be discovered in this world. For this reason, I researched thoroughly by reading various books and researching on the internet. It was important for me not only to acquire theoretical knowledge, but also to see in practice what the BDSM world has to offer: I attended various seminars and had dominatrix mentors. Real, good dominatrix have inspired me.

– How old are you? Are you married / separated / single?

Now I’m 48 years old (Wow! You look much younger!! – comment from me) and I used to be in a long relationship.

– What does a perfect weekend look like for you? Reading? Listening to music or hiking?

I love the mountains and travelling! Hiking is simply good for the soul! I am fascinated by various cities in this world! As soon as I get the chance, I go sightseeing.

– How did you get involved in this world?

Theoretical knowledge I had from the internet and books. The films and my private experiences gave me further, valuable experience. Dominatrix who were my mentors and seminars that gave me practical experience were very valuable to me.

– You obviously enjoy the work. Do you consider it work? What do you get out of it, other than gifts and money? Or does that matter? Would you do it for free?

I consider the BDSM world a hobby: it brings me a lot of pleasure 😊

Are relationship and BDSM games separate for you, or have you had a partner who enjoyed taking on the sub role?

I haven’t met the right one yet, unfortunately.

– Do you occasionally enjoy vanilla sex (= without BDSM) or is that completely cancelled and out of the question?

Yes, of course! Sex is part of life! Every day 😊

– Being dominant, thanks to misrepresentation in pop culture, is sometimes seen as abusive behaviour. Things like controlling what someone else wears, or insisting on being spoken to in a certain way. Can you elaborate on the actual differences and the importance of consent in a dom/sub relationship?

A dominatrix-sub relationship should never be based on “coercion”! My clients want to be my subs. Each person makes his/her own decision whether he/she wants to participate or not.

What makes a good dominatrix?

First of all, every dominatrix is different – there are no two alike. For this reason, you can never “copy” or “imitate” a dominatrix. My opinion is, that this field is not only pleasurable but also full of dangers and it should be the duty of every dominatrix to be aware of this. For me, health and safety are at the top of the list! – Some sessions involve, for example, breathing reductions or bondage where there can quickly be no circulation in the hands or feet.

As a dominatrix, I am responsible for the health and well-being of my sub! Furthermore, I think that cleanliness and hygiene are inseparable. Nobody likes a bad smelling woman and this also applies vice versa: health and hygiene belong together.

All this should be based on mutual respect and a humane way of dealing with each other. Communication with each other should be friendly and respectful.

Before each session I have a preliminary talk with my clients and also a follow-up one after we have finished the session. I think it’s important to be open and clear about what you liked or didn’t like so much, as well as whether my sub was happy or not.

– What are some of the role plays you specialise in?

Basically, I’m open to a lot 😊 Two role plays are far from my mind: no mother-son and no baby/child-raising games.

– Do you include music in your work? If so, what kind? Do you have, say, your top 5 albums or artists that you listen to get in the mood for sessions?

Of course! I love Enigma or classical music 😊 but there are sessions where I ask my sub if they want to listen to music or not. Some want to relax, for example in bondage (by giving me the lead role). Everyone needs something different to relax: the world is colourful.

As a dominatrix you have a certain amount of control over your submissive partner. What kind of rules do you have or prefer?

Being a dominatrix is not just about whipping or tying someone up. For me it’s important to feel the person inside: their desire, their wishes and how they react to me. Without that, a session doesn’t work. To get to know him better, I have a conversation with him before the session. Communication about what he likes and dislikes, where his limits are, is the be-all and end-all. He should also know what he can get from me and where my taboos are.

I set the rule. We don’t have a safe word, so it’s important for me to feel him. During the session I observe him, how his body reacts to me and where his limits are. I think it’s very important to design a session consciously: but don’t forget that everything has to be spontaneous, without interruption. This requires not only planning, but also a lot of gut feeling and trust. I decide the game.

Designing a session requires a very conscious, strong mental activity from me: I notice that I sometimes need 2-3 hours of rest after a challenging session to be able to “shut down”. Either you give all as a dominatrix or nothing. I have chosen the first one.

– Where is your personal red line and what were the hard limits of subs you encountered?

Let me think… It’s like this: I always keep what I promise, and before I give my promise, I think twice. Yes, there is a limit: tunnel games (you can’t stop the game, you have to finish it – my comment).

– Could you say 3-4 rules you gave to Sub?

One rule is that he must not touch me without my consent, only feel my closeness. For example, if he slaps my bottom, I punish him in different ways.

– How did you punish your subordinate for breaking a rule?

Different ways.

– Is there anyone around you who knows about your preference/work on/in BDSM?

Yes, my family and close circle of friends.

I know this post was a bit long, but I hope it adds value and perspective, and I am so grateful to Xena for taking the time to answer my questions. If you have any questions you would like her to answer, please email me and we will get them answered.

Curious? You find her website Here.