Love and boundaries? It sounds contradictory. We often associate love with (total) devotion. Romantic movies sometimes even define it as a kind of fusion: I give myself completely, just like my partner. As Rammstein puts it:
“Without you, I cannot be. With you, I am also alone, without you. With you, the seconds stand still and are not worth anything.”
I have to admit, however, that this kind of romance mainly belongs to the early stages of a relationship and not to the years that follow, when two people have been together for months or even years.
One form of (almost) limitless love is a mother’s love. In a partnership, however, the merging of boundaries can also involve self-abandonment. We stop noticing our own limits – or perhaps we no longer want to notice them.
Where Have My Boundaries Gone?
Why do we give ourselves up? Does it happen easily?
Often, it sneaks up on us.
By taking one small step beyond our boundaries, and then another. By giving more financial support than we are truly comfortable with:
“I’ll pay this bill as well. It’s OK. I know you’re short on money.”
Or:
“I’ll pick up the child. I know you’re tired.”
And so am I, we think. But we don’t say it out loud.
When a behaviour is repeated over and over again, it gradually becomes a habit. It becomes part of our lives and eventually feels natural.
We See – Yet We Are Blind
We see that our daily lives have changed. That we have changed.
One day we wake up and feel the weight not only on our shoulders but also on our soul. And suddenly we wonder:
How did this happen?
Deeply rooted psychological patterns or highly stressful situations have quietly taken control.
Often, fear is involved. The fear of the consequences of our actions – or our inaction. Unconscious beliefs may also play a role:
“In a relationship, you do everything for the other person.”
“You share every burden.”
Fear of rejection, perfectionism or a strong need for harmony should not be underestimated either.
Over time, the consequences become visible. They show up as anger, anxiety, frustration, sadness or tension. In some cases, they may even lead to illness. (More to it: Why Some People Activate Our Wounds)
Lack of Respect – Poor Communication with Ourselves
It is difficult to be respected by others when respect for ourselves is missing.
Our emotions and needs first need to be explored. Many of them have been pushed under the carpet for years.
It helps to pay attention to situations in which we feel angry, exhausted or uncomfortable. These feelings can point towards needs that have been ignored.
Emotions communicate needs.
If we have not listened to ourselves for a long time, it takes practice. It is not easy. In the beginning, we may need “bigger ears” – in other words, a quieter environment where we can reconnect with ourselves.
What am I feeling?
And more importantly: Why?
Bringing Personal Values Out of Hiding
Our personal values often become visible only when we start listening to our inner voice again.
Reflection questions can help:
- In which situations have I felt annoyed or uncomfortable during the past few days?
- What exactly triggered this reaction?
- Was it anger, fear, frustration or sadness?
Behind every unpleasant emotion, there is often an unmet need.
Body and mind work closely together. That is why it can be helpful to pay attention to physical reactions when we say “yes” or “no”.
Is my jaw tense again?
Do I feel an uneasy sensation in my stomach?
Do I notice pressure or even pain?
Our body often notices the truth long before our mind is willing to accept it. (More to it: How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Close Relationships)
Boundaries are not always black and white. We do not have to reject everything. There are many shades of grey between “yes” and “no”. Compromises are possible.
But in order to compromise, we first need to know where our own boundaries are.
Socrates said:
“Let him who would move the world first move himself.”
Oscar Wilde wrote:
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
And Buddha is often credited with the following words:
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
Only then does communication on equal footing become possible in a relationship. Only when we understand and communicate our own needs can we truly see the needs of another person from a different perspective.
Perhaps boundaries are not the opposite of love after all.
Perhaps they are one of its most important foundations.
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