We all lie. More or less… sometimes to embellish the facts, sometimes to conceal the truth or to cover up our actions. Who does not know it? Children learn to lie very early: mostly they know that they acted against rules and want to cover up their deeds. Over time, they become more adept at it – they learn to lie better. Some say: “White lies” are allowed in order not to harm the other person. Others are strictly against it – at least in theory – and say: all kinds of lies cause harm.
Is lying a “necessary evil” or do we need it to survive?
Compliments do not always come from the heart: we give them when we want to make the partner happy – even if the cooked dinner tastes awful or the newly bought dress does not fit her (not to mention shoes). Without “being well liked” by others, we could not exist in society: we would remain all alone. Or let’s imagine the situation the other way round: what would happen if we always came out with the truth? Is the other person always able to be confronted with the truth (from my point of view, truth – and therefore subjective)? Would we always be able to save face? No and No. You need lies to survive, to build or maintain relationships. So, the question is:
How many lies can a relationship tolerate?
In a relationship, love, devotion and the desire not to harm my partner play an enormous role. The balance between my desires and the desires of my partner, are sometimes difficult to maintain and often require tact. Fear also plays a role, that we don’t want to hurt the other person. Acting out of fear is, per se, not something that should be called “good” or “bad”. It has existed for thousands of years to warn us of danger (then of large predators – today of other “predators”). But how about saying a compliment not out of fear, but because we don’t want to destroy the joy that our partner(s) has, but to participate in it? In this way, a compliment or an opinion can come across more authentically.
Nobody likes people who make excuses – and what’s more, you notice them very quickly.
Excuses simply mean that people look for various reasons to “protect” – “hide” – negative facts: often this is to protect their own interest or simply a guilty conscience. This is not the open, honest attitude that one expects from one’s partner. Therefore, it is worth asking some questions: Why does someone act, speak in this way? What could be the causes? Is he afraid of…? Does he have trouble with confrontation? Can he basically admit his own mistakes or does he run away more often…? And last but not least: Did I in any way contribute to the other person choosing this way of dealing with me?
You can read more about this here: Do You Continue to Make Excuses for Unacceptable Behavior?
Some lies can destroy a relationship from the ground up, such as: cheating (unless you are in an open relationship or you made an agreement with your partner), hiding addictions (drugs, gambling, etc.). Understanding why such cases happen is essential if the relationship is to be saved. Since such lies are intentional and have probably been going on for a long time, asking questions often gets you nowhere. Exposed, deliberate lies leave deep hurts and traces. You need a third person (couples counselling, therapy – individually or together).
More information: How to Tell If Your Spouse Is Lying
Finally, some good news: the longer we live in a relationship, the better we can get to know the other person, with all his or her “tics”. Conversations and open communication in which one expresses one’s anger or disappointment can put the partner in empathy (you can read much more about this in my book)
(Curious? Read more in my blog about Communication between men and women). 😊