We are in a long relationship, as we age our bodies change and the desire for sex either increases or decreases (mostly decreases). Most of the time, most couples find it hard to talk about sex honestly. Sunday sex is “pre-programmed” between afternoon cakes and evening news and you put another tick on your “to-do” list (Sound familiar?). For many, the word “sex play” has become a foreign word. The World History of Sexuality states:
“The sexual instinct is the most animalistic instinct of man […] and it is a compliment to humanity” (More, 1956, p. 9).
Habits, routines are powerful and often they determine our lives. We think we know someone because we have been with him/her for a long time. We often forget that we change with time and we are no longer who we were 10 or 20 years ago. On the other hand, being in love does not mean that the other person knows our thoughts and wishes. However, this can lead to sex becoming bland or boring over time, lacking the thrill or even disappearing altogether (you can read more about this in my book – chapter: Secret Desires, Our Dark Side). It takes at least 2 months to develop a new habit (European Journal of Social Psychology: How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world).
Or rather three, if we want to take it easy… 😊
But how can sexual desire be reawakened if we don’t know what we like in bed or don’t talk about it with our partners?
Unblocking – having good relationships
Talking about our desires, needs or (secret) wishes requires courage, because it makes us vulnerable. Even if love is there and brought us together at the time, it takes more than love here to stay together. When passion or intimacy is missing, we resort to routine behaviour. Intimacy and closeness can be brought back by spending quality time together. Desire, lust and fantasies are anchored in us, waiting for us to “let them go”. Being in a good relationship means good communication between us: opening up step by step, basing vulnerability on each other, “rebuilding” trust. After all, this is about my sexual fantasy, my orgasm and my needs. Yes, sexual fulfilment is selfish in a way – but I also give it right back!
I often hear the phrase, “Sex games? What for? Is there something wrong with you? We still have good sex; we’re done in 3 minutes!” I know Sunday sex all too well too, experienced it in my past relationships too. Sex games existed only in my imagination.
Let’s face it: having 2-3 positions in bed for years, over and over again, is boring, dull after a while. Sooner or later, they kill the desire. This is not about getting all the positions from the Kama Sutra (hm… actually, why not browse through it?) – you can do it here: Top 69 Kama Sutra positions).
Whipping, spanking, submission, dressing up, role-playing: they sound gross at first. Those who try them risk being looked at askance (my book: The World of BDSM, chapter 6). But many find a taste for power, dominance or submission. But why not start “small” by, for example, dressing up or trying the handcuff? Or how about a gentle whip or stroking the other with a light feather?
You can arrange the games according to your mood: with less or more intimacy, closeness or caresses. Our fantasies are endless… Dirty, perverted, kinky is when one of the two doesn’t like it or doesn’t want to do it. Sex against the will of the other is simply rape! Always with full consent and regulation the games must be designed (Questions that might help you: Where are my boundaries? What are my taboos?).
Have enough courage to talk about it and a colourful imagination to experience it 😊